i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
