Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
