420 ftw
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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