How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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