My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
