You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
