I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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