YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
