I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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