her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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