your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I can't turn off my feet"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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