It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
