I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
