I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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