I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
