Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
