my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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