just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
