All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
