this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Blood and glitter go together right?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
