we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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