She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
