dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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