who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
