i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
