as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
