Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
