Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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