I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
