My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
