I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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