some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Michael Bay diarrhea
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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