He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
