oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
