so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
