Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
