I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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