so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
