i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
