I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
they need to just BURY HIM!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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