You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
