well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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