Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
