What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
