sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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