After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
