I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
