you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
