You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
