Please, let me fuck your mom
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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