I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
