just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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