Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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